Have you ever been in a group discussion where someone else shared the same idea or opinion you had? You somehow feel connected to that person, but at the same time, you think you can kick yourself for not speaking up? Have you ever wondered why you did not speak up?
On my journey to improve my communication skills, my mentor shared a book called How to Speak, Connect and Succeed, written by Aletta Rochat, with me. I love to summarize books because I believe it adds value to anyone’s learning journey, and I thought, why not share this with you to help you get an overview of the book but also to help you to get actionable steps from the book. If you want to learn to become a more authentic leader and communicator, I will encourage you to read on.
Chapter one is called “Why speaking up is such a big deal and why standing out is essential to getting ahead in your career.”
The author explains the importance of speaking up using an example. She tells a story of when she was working very hard, and even though she was doing work that added a lot of value, her Boss felt that she was not performing to his expectations because she was not speaking up. She states that it is all about the quality of what you say, not the quantity. She then explains what stops us from speaking up and prevents us from demonstrating our value, for example, lack of Self-confidence, the fact that we don’t like to ask for help or feedback, your internal feeling of lack that you might think you are not able to add value which is related to your self-confidence, or you might think that you won’t make a difference. She completes this section by telling us to speak and thrive to add value and let go of the outcome. She explains why you should speak up for what is right, using examples of oppression, bullying, corruption, etc. She also states the advantages and disadvantages when you speak up.
In Chapter Two, the author gets right into it by giving us seven proven ways to speak and connect. Step one is connecting with listening and observing.
Here she talks about Charismatic listening, being fully present, listening with your heart and head, and quieting the chatter in your mind while listening. She uses the game of snakes and ladders to illustrate the advantage you gain by listening; for example, you might get clues about who influences who or the decision-maker in an organization. She explains the power of observing, referring to a story about the Card game. If we observe, we can get clues about the person’s interests, what they value, and their achievements, and having this knowledge, we can validate them and find shared experiences. She warns us that commenting about some aspects we observe might be too personal and suggests that we rather comment about work or professional life.
Step 2 “is not about you and the game you are playing.”
In this chapter, the author made me aware that even though you know what your talents and skills are when you speak, you have to relate how this, your products, services, will add value to their “game,” their business, or goal. Focus on them by showing interest in what they are striving for, ask questions that keep the conversation on them, discover their successes and their pain points, compliment them on what they have already achieved, and relate to what you can offer to their needs.
In step 3, Connect by keeping it personal.
In this chapter, the author explains that we need to use the names of people to make the connection more personal. Connect on a personal level with people by sharing personal stories about yourself? Stories that relate that have a relevant point, i.e., someone that likes reading about personal development, talk about a book perhaps. The author explains that a conversation gives and takes, you share, and then I share; we should prevent only talking alone, a monologue, instead have a conversation. To connect on a personal level, we have to make a habit of using people’s names in a conversation, recognize the unique contribution of a person or team, take a genuine interest and find out more about the person, listen and observe intently and spot those clues of what is important to someone and use that information as a point of connection, share stories of yourself, but only if it is relevant to the person you’re speaking to.
In Step 4, Speaking as a team player,
It means you recognize the game being played and the rules that apply to it, forgetting about your own needs or desires and focusing on how to contribute to help the team win. To become a team player is to thank members for their contribution on good and bad days, recognize past leaders and people that worked behind the scenes, validate team members, celebrate successes big or small, honor and thank your supporters, and know your strengths and own awareness of areas of improvement.
In Step 5, “Connect by speaking to the bigger picture.
The author explains what “bigger pictures speaking” entails. She states that it provides a dynamic response and an emotional connection. The bigger picture can be anything from history or the future vision or legacy to put things in context. The author states that bigger picture speaking includes speaking about the benefits and not the features of your services or products. The author says that in the bigger picture, we should never forget the final customer and the benefits to him. The author states that when we speak about the bigger picture, it also shows that we get it and understand the bigger picture. In meetings talking about the bigger picture also calms tensions and refocuses attention. The author summarizes the chapter by telling us how we should connect by speaking to the bigger picture; she states that we should think about the ultimate benefit of the work we are doing, we should use emotive words such as “dream” and not “plan.” Think about who inspires you and why? Who benefits from what we’re doing and why? How will the world be a better place because of the result of what you’re doing? Speak to the benefits by using “So that you can …”
In Step 6, The author explains what it means to connect by being humble and likable and how to do it
She starts by stating that your speaking needs to demonstrate that it is not all about you, that you humble and let others be the center of attention. She says it is possible to be humble while still being ambitious, confident, and driven, or called quiet confidence. She states that you have to speak about what you believe in, if don’t, you pay lip service and come across as unauthentic. You have to live out your believes. You must be fully present at events even if you are the leader. Be willing to help and contribute, even if that is not your role. The easiest way to come across as humble is to avoid being the center of attention all the time. Another way is to share what you have learned from others. You can also have a sense of humour, self-depreciation humor, laughing at yourself, and not taking yourself too seriously which is unlikely to offend others and will draw people to you.
The final Step 7, called “Connect be being Immediately relevant.”
It is all about finding/listening and determining what is relevant for that person or group. To do this, know who you are speaking to, what they care about, what they need to know, and how is what you are saying relevant to them? Your audience is always thinking: So what? Make me care. Do it fast”. The audience will only listen if they care about what you are saying; the only way they care is if it is relevant to them. To be relevant, share common experiences. To be suitable, you also need to get to the point fast and use sentences like “I know you’re very busy so let me get to right to the point …” Pause before you speak to determine what you are about to say is relevant to them, put yourself in their shoes for a moment. To define your relevance, ask yourself, do we have a shared experience that connects us? How can my words or ideas add value to them?
To conclude, speaking up can change your life. Listening with your heart and head to be fully present is critical for connection. Determine how your strengths and experiences can add value to someone’s personal game. Focus on the team, validate them and focus on how you can add value to the team’s game. Speak to the bigger picture, the benefits of your service, and how the world would be a better place from what you do. Be humble, and speak about what you believe in. Connect by being immediately relevant to them, ask yourself what we have in common, and find that commonplace if you can.