Conflict can be negative or positive. Negative conflict can ruin relationships and be exhausting, distracting, and unpleasant. If managed well, positive competition can clear up misunderstandings and path forward. In this blog, I will share some speaking tips whenever you are in a conflict situation, as summarized in the book by Aletta Rochat called Speak, Connect and Succeed.
- Be aware of your agenda
Do you enjoy the conflict? What do you want out of the conflict? Your answer to this question will determine how you speak up or whether you will stand out. Being shouted at never helps conflict, and neither does shouting at others. You should ask yourself, how have I or others contributed to the conflict? Take a moment to analyze the conflict; if you understand the impact of the conflict, you would be better able to speak, connect and succeed. - Focus on the issues, not the people.
There will always be difficult personalities that you need to deal with or personalities that will push your buttons. Our challenge is to focus on the ISSUE. Personal attacks only increase the conflict. You cannot always manage someone else reaction to conflict, but you can be accountable for how you react. - Be aware of your reaction.
Take a moment to think what is the real issue. Is it that some of the values are being challenged? Or what is it? Mostly the real issue is not the thing being discussed. As Steven Covey has stated, “The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing.” Don’t react and become defensive when you are triggered. Step back and go into listen mode and try first to understand what your triggers are while giving the issue some thought. If you are volatile, create time to respond rather than react. If need be, get mentors and tell them that you want to vent your frustration, and then go back as an adult not a child with tantrums. You can also choose a venting partner, but this person needs to add value and give you perspective, and not someone that will choose your or the other person’s side. Always remind yourself of the bigger picture. How does this conflict impact you, your team, or the company. What is the cost of keeping this conflict going? Is there a cost when one person insists on being right? - Who’s watching which movie.
People’s perspectives differ. For each person what is right to him is based on his movie, his family culture, his experiences etc. If we take conflict personally we often respond with the movie playin into our heads, thereby adding drama to the situation. Rather take a deep breath, do a brain dump on what is going on in your head (write) Go through it, and separate the emotion from the facts, focus on the facts, the process and plan your response based on that. - Look for win-win.
Win-loose will cause resentment. Words that make win-win easier is to always acknowledge contributions, even if it is against your personal point of view. Acknowledging the passion from someone is also powerful to dissolve the situation. Acknowledging the impact of the conflict on the parties involved is essential. The author states that sometimes resolving conflict is only temporary, especially where there is a clash in personalities. Accept your limitations, you can only be responsible for your part in the conflict and your own reaction. We all default to certain behaviors even if we try to guard against them. If you can be the calm voice of reason in conflict you can be far ahead of the pack
To summarize, when you are aware of your own agenda in a conflict situation, you will be better able to understand the impact and speak better. Please focus on the issue instead of the people; we will always have different personalities to deal with. Be aware of your own reaction, and get a venting partner if need be. Always think about the bigger picture. People’s perspectives, and movies, will always differ, don’t take conflict personally, separate emotion from facts, and respond based on that. Look for win-win situations, acknowledge people’s contributions, recognize the impact of the conflict on parties involved, add take it easy, accept your limitations. You can only control your part of the conflict, be that calm voice of reason during the conflict.
Thank you for taking the time to read through this blog. I appreciate your time and energy. I would appreciate any comment. Did you find this useful, are you already using some of these, and what would you do different about this? I am looking forward to learn more from you as we navigate life, and conflict. Take care.